the heart is not what i thought

There is so much truth here from Alohaleya once again this week. May this help you on your journey! 


After publishing my post on the heart I didn’t know what to blog about next. Everything I attempted to write seemed conceptual and slightly pretentious – ironically, coming from my head and not my heart! My mind has been my albatross, but for the most part it’s felt more comfortable than my heart or body. […]

Energy Increasing Meditation with Visualization


This is a meditation that I rely on the most to level out and to increase my energy. I say level out for when I feel as if only the engine on one side is burning, causing me to travel in circles. This meditation also helps me when the energy is blocked verically and doesn’t rise or fall properly, leaving me feeling wonky.

Sitting in a quiet room, preferably in chair with your back supported and your feet flat on the ground, place your hands on your lap, palms up. If you have an object that helps to build your energy or open your heart, then hold it in your left (receiving) hand.

For me, listening to a timed audio recording like the Chakra Series on Toas Winds helps me to pay attention to each chakra in a balanced way, as the further I move into a meditation, the harder it is to track time.

Oops! Allow me to inject that chakras are energy wheels that are centered along the length of the body. There are 7 major chakras starting at the perineum (where the front meets the back and the left meets the right, AKA the “taint”), and moving upwards to the crown or top of the head. Basically, when energy gets blocked in one of these areas, it can make us feel tired and uninspired.

breathing in:
Begin by imagining the golden energy at the center of the earth. As you breathe in, the golden energy moves upwards towards your feet and enters through the tips of your toes and travels upwards through your entire body, out the top of your head and into the far reaches of space. (Timing may take some practice, just like any skill… This entire section occurs during one in breath).

breathing out
As you breathe out, the energy flows back down to towards earth, through your head/crown and then down through the entire body and then out the tips of your toes, down into the center of the earth. This is done in one out breath.

Rinse & Repeat
Repeat this process about 5 times. Then start playing a chakra recording to help with timing.

Chakra Expansion & Clearing
On the next in breath, follow the in breath instructions as above. On the out breath, move the energy down into your body until you reach the root chakra. Now, as you breath in imagine the red orb energy of the root chakra expanding (as far as your feel comfortable). As you breathe out, imagine the red orb being cleansed. Continue in this manner, expanding on the in breath, cleansing on the out breath, keeping your attention at the red root chakra until your hear the bell chime. Or if not using the sound recordings, go to the next chakra when you feel ready. 

Move your attention to the next chakra as follows:
Starting with an in breath at the center of the earth, inhale up through to the cosmos. When breathing out, drop the golden energy into the next level chakra. Then repeat this for the remaining chakras whose names, colors as nd locations are as follows:

Sacral Chakra – Orange (just below the navel)

Solar Plexus Chakra – Yellow (just below the sternum)

Heart Chakra – Green (at the heart)

Throat Chakra – Blue (at the throat)

Third Eye Chakra – Purple or Indigo (just above the nose between the eye brows)

Crown – White or Violet (top of head)

After this meditation, even on my worst of days, I feel better. When emotionally triggered or when my energy drops, I will often move the golden energy between the earth and cosmos, that alone can be very calming and healing.  

I hope this information helps you in some way to increase or level out your energy, increasing your creativity.



Reblog: Heart & Moon Meditation

This is a great meditation! Regardless of how you feel about astrology, I highly encourage you to have the courage to give it a go. Use the natural energies of the planets and moon to support you as you grow!

Original post is as follows:

This Saturday, the Full Moon will cross into the constellation of Leo and light up our nights with the taste of our fiery hearts. Our hearts are wild beasts. Sometimes, we can feel them scratching at our bodies calling to get out. If we ignore their call, our suffering will only worsen. This full […]

The Transformative Power of Pain

Here I will focus on how emotional pain can be a powerful tool for transformation through the release of held energy. We often block feeling our emotions because we feel that we will die from them. The emotions are not real as they cannot kill you. Instead, they block us from our greatest potential.

While not religious, I do feel there are nuggets of truth in scripture. I love the 23rd Psalm for it’s reference to this process of walking through the Valley of the Shadows of Death. Fear no evil.

Imagine a series of springs that are coiled. These represent the areas where we do not want to feel something and we push it down, cocking the spring. Suppressing the spring’s natural desire to be open, we use our vital energy to maintain this out of fear, maintaining the status quo, not wanting to feel, guilt, shame, etc. The fully cocked spring also invokes a potential energy to be experienced in the release of the spring.

Where do these “springs” come from?
When we tell ourselves that we don’t have time for something, cannot deal with something and are not fully present when an event unfolds, we store the energy of what we chose not to fully experience.

So what do I do to release the spring?
This energy must be accessed fully to allow the release of the energy. Once we stop suppressing the spring’s release, the spring opens and our energy can be increased exponentially. The release of energy is in two ways: by no longer diverting energy to suppression and by the kinetic energy released when un-cocking the spring.

So I still don’t know what I need to do here…
We begin by being fully in our bodies. We have a tendency to pull our energy up and out when we experience something we do not want to fully feel (I feel this contributes to physical pain, that’s for another day). To be in our bodies, we feel as many things as we can. Feel the surfaces where we are supported. Feel the clothes on our skin. Feel the air. Feel the back of our bodies, into our toes, heels. Feel!

Once fully present in our bodies, we can more easily walk through the shadows of our pain. Sitting and allowing whatever emotions to be, continuing to breathe and crying freely when called to. Avoid wiping away the tears, allowing the by-products of our pain to be, we free it that much more (yes, let the snot flow, too). We know we are complete when we feel an all pervasive sense of peace and calm.

My sadness/anger is a bottomless pit, how am I going to survive this?
Know that there is only so much energy that can be released at a time. Give trust to the parts of ourselves that know how much we can handle. When walking through it, we often feel overwhelmed. Consider the rise and fall of a wave. The wave cannot stay up for forever.

The challenge becomes that the peak is often when we most want to run away from the pain, again suppressing the spring. Please stay with it. Successful Navy SEALs state that they survived BUD/S training by knowing that the torture could not last forever (they were required to have meal breaks, after all).

As part of natural childbirth training, I slowly counted to ten during the hardest contractions. This was effective during both of my long labors. Knowing that the peak could not last forever, even though at times it felt that it would, kept me from freaking out and kept me present. The same concept of a peak followed by a fall rings true for emotional pain. It cannot peak forever.

What do I do then?
After the release of the emotional spring, we have more energy available to us to use as we wish. This is a slowly building process. I find that the bigger the spring I tackle, the more energy that becomes available. Being gentle and allowing the process is part of allowing that increases our energy.

Anything else?
This process is something that needs to be consistently applied for the best results. Being more present in our daily lives prevents the accumulation of more springs.

With each iteration, we build strength and fortitude as well as confidence to walk with less fear of the shadows. At some point, we even begin to look forward to the challenge. Take heed, however, this may take some time. For now, I recommend consistent application of this process to anything that ails you. Allow the emotions to flow. This allows for greater flow of creativity and your vital energy.

Personally, I have found that I require less sleep overall. After a significant release of shame regarding my sexuality, I have experienced a wellspring of both energy and creativity (more another day on why sexual suppression can block creativity. Hint: it’s related to the second or Sacral Chakra).

Consistent meditation can also help. I am working on writing up the meditation process I have personally found to be the easiest and most efficient way to release my springs – in a way that rarely brings me to tears, nor to my knees in fear.

Go forth and feel. The emotions are not real, they cannot kill you. Instead, they block you from your greatest potential.


Photo credit


Venus Rising: Finding my Voice


Boticelli’s “The Birth of Venus”


This week, I had the most beautiful experience in a group meditation. The chanting we were doing was to help us to raise our vibrations, The Kundalini, or life force, prior to receiving a Oneness Blessing. 


It was a long day, and though still quite energized, I almost begged off attending the meditation. The drive was 30 minutes; in the “wrong” direction from my home.

As I followed the directions on the navigation app, each turn brought a greater opening in my crown. I have never felt such energy moving through this area, inside or outside of meditation. I could feel the energy radiating outward from the parietals. My third eye hummed silently. I knew this was where I needed to be.

With a late start, I sat, almost already in trance as people softly exchanged words. It was hard to keep my eyes open. After flying on high energy earlier in the day, I knew I needed to come back down for the meditation to be effective.

Soon the chanting began and I listened with envy to the long held chants, directed to the root chakra (the energy of belonging; the right to exist). I struggled to hold the tones longer, as my voice faded and crumbled more and more quickly than the chant before.

I pulled up on my pelvic floor muscles in an attempt to squeeze out another ounce of breath. My voice was immediately silenced, my mouth open, no sound could be emitted. Symbolic of my silent screams & pleas. I was humbled, most definitely.

This, I thought inwardly, was my history of denying my right to be. This was my history of blunting my voice, holding myself back – in all ways.

With the next series of chants, directed to the sacral chakra (the energy of desire; the right to want), I chanted alongside of the others; this time, more surrendered, more relaxed. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, sinking into my seat, into my flesh and into the moment.

After several iteriations of the sanskrit word, Svadhistana, I began to hear one voice rising above the others. “What a beautiful voice,” I thought to myself, “what lovely harmonics. Maybe one day I can myself do that.” I was grateful for the clear, unwavering strength of the voice.

With my eyes closed, I knew not whose it was. Appreciating the beauty and clarity of the voice, I began to feel a rumbling in my body. When I could feel the resonance vibrating in my toes, my sinuses and nose, I realized with certainty, “Holy Fuck! That is me!” It almost broke my attention to the meditation, but I remained steady.

It was then that I felt an ancient wisdom, a knowing; it was showing me how to breathe, how to hold the tip of my tongue firmly, yet gently without forcing, to the roof of my mouth. In my sweet surrender, my pelvic and thoracic diaphragms were more relaxed – and alive at the same time, moving in harmony.

Beginning the chant with my mouth open, tongue moving, then gently closing my lips, barely together during the long held “mmmmm,” I was able to extend the sounds longer, sometimes longer than the one leading the chanting. (whose voice was becoming harder to hear).

Basking in the glow of this beauty for the next 5 chakras, I kept seeing images of the green heart chakra. It would later that evening become part of my next post: Heart Meditations to Heal Thyself.

After the chanting, and the Blessing Givers blessing themselves, (hear the words, “Healer, Heal Thyself”), each of the 5 blessing givers took turns gently touching the crowns, and then the area of the parietals of each attendee; blessing each of us with a greater sense of peace and calming, to help to silence the “monkey mind.”

We then performed a guided meditation to spread the love, connection and healing; moving further and further outwards from our own selves as our centers, and then outwards in ever increasing arcs like the Golden Spiral: to the room, to the region, to the planet, the galaxy, the Universe. [Soundtrack: Lateralus: “spiral out, keep going.”]

Following this amazing experience, one of the blessing givers, a man whom I had never met, made a Bee-Line for me. “When I touched your crown,” he said, “I received a great healing. I’ve never experienced anything like it before.” I thanked him immensely for sharing. And he replied, “No, thank you! You healed me!”

It was not until later that I remembered, that as he touched my head, I was rather excited to have him be the last blessing giver. He was the balance of the previous 4 female blessing givers. I was grateful for his presence as he gently touched me. In my gratitude, I helped him to heal as he helped to heal me.

With all of the work I have done here on WP, I never realized how deeply it has been helping me to heal myself my voice, and to accept my desires. I have conquered (through surrender) demons that blocked me from my desire, my right to be here, my right to express myself, my right to feel and to love…and be loved.

This meditation showed me how much I have done, by surrendering my judgments and shame, in just a short month.

This morning as I walked out to my Jeep, there was a greater appreciation of beauty in the sound of the birds singing. As I drove by, the light glistened off of the lake with a great clarity. “Yes, today I am a new woman,” I thought to myself as I drove to work.

I am so grateful to you for reading this. I hope that you may take something from this that helps you in your journey.


There was great synchronicity in seeing one of the new comers from the meditation today at work! I thought she looked familiar at the blessing; she works on the same hospital campus. I had hesitated to post this, and when I saw her I knew I needed to share!


Alohaleya had a similar and beautiful experience this week, please check her post out.

For more information on Chakras, see

Remembering our Femininity

© Vlue | - Gender Symbols Photo
© Vlue | – Gender Symbols Photo



is the hard,



productive energy.

He is giving of his seed,

the fruit of

his productivity.

It is the with an

electric flow

Of energy;

Which travels in

a more or

less single,

straight line.

His activity is

about doing;

the hunter

who seeks

his prey.

As such,

he seeks her,

choosing based

on his desire

for her.



is the



void; mystery


receiving the

fruits of

his productivity.

It is the

magnetic flow

Of energy;

traveling outwards

and then back

to the source;

an invagination.

She is

about being;

the gatherer

who discovers

her fruits.

Using them to

Attract her mate.

She desires to be



Ours is a World,

that as a whole,

is focused on the traits of

the Masculine,

often debasing,


subverting and

even suppressing

the feminine.

No wonder we

find ourselves

in a constant struggle

between the sexes.

The weak one,

attempting to

control the other,

both sides of the

same coin.


doing more,

pushing more,

being less and less,

we exhalt the masculine,

we exhaust the feminine,

never giving

into hibernation;

or regathering

of our vitality.

Rarely do we know

how to act with finesse.


Times are changing.

More and more men

are feeling.

More and more women

are embracing

being ourselves.


When in balance,

each to each,

the further

up we can



Be free

of the


of society,

here to hold

us ALL back,

from grasping,


aspiring to


our own




It is here

in our


the keys to

our souls.

If we could

just but

let go

of what

we’ve been

so erroneously



As we release

each lie,

it allows

use to uncover


facet, another


of ourselves

in our Highest


So reach for the stars,

become interstellar.

Strive to be free.

You’ll be you and

I’ll be me.


“Om Ram Ramaya” a Sanskrit mantra that means: Divine balance energizes my body, heart, mind and soul.

Healing Trauma


While I’m no resident expert on how to heal trauma, I have learned a lot in walking on this path of recovery. Based on my various experiences over nearly 10 years of recovery, I wanted to share some of the modalities and resources that I have personally found to be the most helpful in my journey.

For many years I wore my trauma like a bad dress. It was evident I was in pain and I could not seem to get away from it. After nearly a decade of trial and error, I am mostly genuinely happy – even with a 1.5 year divorce process that was finalized in December 2015 (ie last month).

In writing the post about my sexual abuse, I didn’t shed a tear and I barely felt any emotional attachment to what I was writing. When I started the healing journey, I couldn’t even imagine that this could have even been possible!

I hope that if you or someone you know needs help with healing from trauma, that you will find something here that can be of assistance. Suffering is not required, there are other options to not merely surviving, but thriving.


Self-Care for you by you
Regular workout routine: helps fill your body with good feeling hormones, improves your self-esteem and keeps you in your body (needed for healing)
Meditationkeeps you in your body, releases unnecessary energy. Your Aura & Your Chakras: An Owner’s Manual by Karen McLaren was instrumental in helping me to find my meditation groove
Eating Healthy: Food can help to comfort us when we are low, but it can also reinforce the low and the shame when we gain weight, thus further complicating matters. When we eat better, we feel better. Though do your best to avoid self-shaming when you do choose to eat comfort foods!
Breathe: Holding your breath just holds in the memories and the pain, releasing occurs with the out breath. (A Breath Works Practitioner can be very helpful)
Epsom Salt Baths: Salts help with clearing energy while the magnesium helps your muscles relax and this can also help with restful sleep.

Find a great counselor, spiritual advisor, hypnotherapist, mentor or minister:
When I get stuck in a pattern and can’t break through, I have a go-to person. Not necessarily a sex counselor, but they can also be helpful.

Books that EVERYONE should read, in my humble opinion =)
I have shelves dedicated to my self-study of psychology, trauma and recovery of self-love. These are my highest recommendations. Interesting that they both have much overlap, but one is written from a scientific (well-researched) perspective and the other is spiritual – again with similar methods to getting to the same place: peace.

For the Scientist-type who needs Evidence & to understand the physical/physiological responses to trauma – this could help uncover so much!
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine with Ann Frederick

For the Spiritualist who needs the keys to practicing Self-Love:
Shadows Before Dawn: Finding the Light of Self-Love Through Your Darkest Hour by Teal Swan

Energy Healing:
None of these modalities requires physical touch, just be sure to tell your practitioner your touch or no-touch preference. I have the modalities listed below in rank order of both perceived benefit and from most to least invoking of feelings of physical vulnerability.

Oneness Blessings: my highest recommendation and depending on your location it may be the most difficult to obtain…
Healing Touch

Body Work:
Body pain is a common side effect of traumatic experiences, even decades after-the-fact. I found regular massages helpful and relaxing. With a trusted practitioner, one can learn that the body is safe, even in a vulnerable position. Check with friends who have been to a practitioner they trust if you do not feel you can trust your gut.

Therapeutic Massage
Myofascial Release
Accupressure & Accupuncture
Physical Therapy
Dry Needling
Chiropractic Care

Sex it’s a need
This can sound insane when recovering from sexual trauma, but sex and masturbation can be helpful to recover the feelings of trust and love following trauma.

Masturbation is a great act of self-love during this process of healing. You can create new, positive memories and remind your body that feeling pleasure is safe.

While sex with a trusted partner can also be a great way to remember that being vulnerable does not have to mean that you get hurt. It can also help to heal the pain of the past, again by creating new memories and (re)learning that sex can be pleasurable. There may be times that you need to stop and take a break, just keep breathing and follow your heart. If it needs to happen, allowing yourself to cry can be incredibly healing and cathartic, especially with someone you trust in an intimate environment.

May we each learn that suffering does not have to be familiar. We each have the opportunity to live and thrive after trauma. Each journey beings with just one step.


Photo by sattva at




Food Addiction: Eating as Punishment

As a young girl, I leanred to “use” food as a drug to supress strong emotions that were punished, heavily discouraged and suppressed in my family. The message was that it was not ok to emote, whether positive or negative. To carry strong emotions triggered an adult, the child was punished. Without the ability to express myself, I learned to turn to food for comfort. I was attempting to “stuff it all down,” with food, to swallow my feelings. This was my way of surviving; not feeling by eating.

This blog focuses on consumption, and I would like to acknowledge that I believe the denial of food through abstaining and purging has a similar theme.

Many times as an adult, I told friends and co-workers that if food were alcohol, that I would be intoxicated and unable to function. Later, I learned that alcoholism and food addictions can often alternate generations. It seems to be that the underlying issue is that with addiction, there is a lack of connection.

So if one generation is unable to teach the next how to connect (or more accurately, the elder generation teaches the younger generation how to disconnect), then the children as adults carry that pattern forward; suppressing connection in their children. It is then up to each generation to break that pattern, or risk carrying it forward.

Understanding the emotions and motivations behind behaviors can help one to break through the pattern, developing new ones (note: this does NOT involve dieting, which can make us more … obsessive). Through reading books, journaling, reflection and observations I have made, it seems that we often use food to punish ourselves, or to prevent feeling a feeling.

Food as Punishment

Out of shame or guilt for a strong emotion, or what is perceived to be a mis-action, we can overeat to discomfort or eat foods that do not feel good to us now or later. This can include eating “healthy” foods that we do not enjoy. We can also punish ourselves with abstaining from or limiting foods that we do enjoy. Consuming food (or beverages) out of guilt to avoid putting food to waste is interesting, because then it just ends up on our waist (or hips or asses). It would seem much better to let it go to waste rather than carry it around…

Doreen Virtue’s book Constant Craving offers readers insights into cravings for different foods. For instance, I have noticed that when I feel anger (that I do not want to feel), that I eat crunchy foods (because I want to break something). When not wanting to feel vulnerable, sad or needing love, I often eat fatty foods (fat protects, soothes and satiates). When feeling depressed, or low in energy, sweet foods are on my top list. Virtue’s book has much more detailed information for each food (such as bread with butter has different implications than plain bread).

Food as pacifier: self-soothing

Poor body image can also be a reason for self-soothing. This can be a biscuits cycle. The more I eat the worse I feel, so I eat more to temporarily feel better.

Having thinly guised positive feelings can also turn us to food in unhealthy ways. When making it through a tough day, we may over reward ourselves… When in actuality we are self-soothing.

Denial of food

Denial of food, whether healthy foods or abstaining altogether, reflects a denial of needs. Research has shown that small indulgences over time are better than complete denial for periods, which can result in binging later.


The overarching theme, in my experience, to food addiction and denial is a lack of self-love. For someone who loves him or herself would choose to do things that serve one out of love, not dis-serve them out of pain.


Other resources:

A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever by Marianne Williamson (a great tool for learning to love oneself)

Shadows Before Dawn: Finding the Light of Self-Love Through Your Darkest Times by Teal Swan
To readers, please feel free to share how you have used food as a way to soothe more than satisfy your body’s physical hunger.

Photo by  Koratmember at

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