Sometimes we go through life completely unaware of some of our own inner mechanisms and motivations. In doing research for an upcoming certification exam, I discovered a research article that had discovered a correlation between women who have pelvic pain and who are insecurely attached. So naturally, my inner “armchair psychologist” wanted to know more.
I took two online quizzes that confirmed for me that I am indeed insecurely attached. No, I did not really need to take the quizzes to know this about my attachment style. However, what I have discovered is that there are different types of attachment styles.
Attachment Styles – in a nutshell (source: dianepooleheller.com)
Secure Attachments are ideal. When we are securely attached, we set and keep healty boundaries, we are able to engage socially and are accepting of our own and our partner’s individuality. We feel safe and do not fear becoming involved with others, nor of them abandoning us.
Avoidant attachments are formed when caregivers are hostile, disconnected or emotionally unavailable. Children learn to fear the very source of comfort they seek. “Lone-wolves” and self-reliant adults often have avoidant attachments and seek permission to exist. (Think Wolverine)
Ambivalent attachments occur when caregivers are inconsistent in their child care and attention. Children (and then adults) are cue seeking and become very concerned about how they can affect their caregivers’ responses to them. “Chronically dissatisfied” may characterize them as adults, yet they feel incomplete without a partner. The song “Fallin'” by Alicia Keyes seems to fit this bill. (Think also Seinfeld)
Disorganized attachments are seen in adults who as children were given mixed signals by their parents. Children who cannot seem to do anything right in their parents’ eyes, who are criticized regardless of what they do, where children can never win. These adults then have difficulty with problem solving and both desire attachment as much as they fear it.
Quiz & The Results:
http://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-quiz/ this one requests your email address at the end of the quiz
I’ve written before about how I fear the very thing that I seek. The lover that I desire scares me as much as he intrigues me. In taking these quizzes and in looking over this information, I see more levels of myself that are needing attention. Each of these involve core and root chakra issues. They affect my feeling of deserving to be here and deserving to be loved.
In seeing these aspects of myself, I also see how they have affected my ability to relate to men in the past few years. I have prematurely ended several developing relationships because of what I would now consider “Seinfeld” reasons (if you’ve seen Seinfeld you will know he always found something wrong with each woman he dated, excuses, I believe, to avoid intimacy).
The past few days of introspection has opened my eyes to seeing how I fear being devastated again, as I was with the final years of marriage. Yes, I have grown in ways I never would have by remaining married. Yes, I am a more whole and complete person now in my own eyes, I no longer seek to be completed by a partner.
Yet I am also finding that I seek for a lover less. Is it because I fear that intimacy, or is it because I now feel more complete and no longer believe I require a partner to feel whole? Hard to know. What I do know is that it is my desire for my attachment to my future partner to be secure at the highest level, with anxious, disorganized & avoidant at the lowest possible levels. Because you (meaning I) gotta have goals!