Breaking Relationships

Tapestries frayed with time
don’t hold the same face
held in place
by pure will and strength
afraid to let go
the fear of the unknown:
who? who would replace?

non-severed ties
tug on strings
pulling back together
bumping into things
that smother
where flowers decay
and green shoots wither

it seems like
i’m stuck in “Groundhog’s Day”
where each cycle
leads to the same resolution
just a new revolution
of the clock
circling the same drain

how to break this
circling of caravans,
impending decay,
strings pulling on things,
unwoven tapestries?

Patching broken pieces
back together lovingly
with stitches thrown
from one’s own heart
relinquishing misplaced others,
Knowing another, someone better
indeed does exist.

Main image: google

img_3064

 

Others are Our Mirrors

People are in our lives for us to learn from them. Within our relationships we have the ability to learn great lessons about ourselves. Sometimes this can be a lesson in love. Other times we have difficult lessons to learn to show us where we love-not. Regardless of the nature of the lesson, the way others treat us is a direct reflection of the way we are treating ourselves. 

As many times as I’ve learned this, it often remains elusive in that I get caught in the mode of asking myself why someone is doing something to me. This is the voice of the victim. In truth, we will not only allow others to treat us any worse than we treat ourselves. So when we recognize this, we can begin to choose differently.

We often seek from others the things we believe we cannot give to ourselves. We see in how others treat us a glimpse of how we treat ourselves. So if you want to be treated better by others, investigate where you are treating yourself poorly and chose to change how you treat yourself. When we love and respect ourselves, we then bring into our lives people who can love and respect us. 
Namaste 

Image: google

Many Lives Many Masters

Relationships: Insecure Attachments

Sometimes we go through life completely unaware of some of our own inner mechanisms and motivations. In doing research for an upcoming certification exam, I discovered a research article that had discovered a correlation between women who have pelvic pain and who are insecurely attached. So naturally, my inner “armchair psychologist” wanted to know more. 

I took two online quizzes that confirmed for me that I am indeed insecurely attached. No, I did not really need to take the quizzes to know this about my attachment style. However, what I have discovered is that there are different types of attachment styles.

Attachment Styles in a nutshell (source: dianepooleheller.com)

Secure Attachments are ideal. When we are securely attached, we set and keep healty boundaries, we are able to engage socially and are accepting of our own and our partner’s individuality. We feel safe and do not fear becoming involved with others, nor of them abandoning us.

Avoidant attachments are formed when caregivers are hostile, disconnected or emotionally unavailable. Children learn to fear the very source of comfort they seek. “Lone-wolves” and self-reliant adults often have avoidant attachments and seek permission to exist. (Think Wolverine)

Ambivalent attachments occur when caregivers are inconsistent in their child care and attention. Children (and then adults) are cue seeking and become very concerned about how they can affect their caregivers’ responses to them. “Chronically dissatisfied” may characterize them as adults, yet they feel incomplete without a partner. The song “Fallin'” by Alicia Keyes seems to fit this bill. (Think also Seinfeld)

Disorganized attachments are seen in adults who as children were given mixed signals by their parents. Children who cannot seem to do anything right in their parents’ eyes, who are criticized regardless of what they do, where children can never win. These adults then have difficulty with problem solving and both desire attachment as much as they fear it. 

Quiz & The Results:

http://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-quiz/ this one requests your email address at the end of the quiz

My results:

Anxious 25%

Disorganized 23%

Avoidant 21%

Secure 13%

Self-Prognosis

I’ve written before about how I fear the very thing that I seek. The lover that I desire scares me as much as he intrigues me. In taking these quizzes and in looking over this information, I see more levels of myself that are needing attention. Each of these involve core and root chakra issues. They affect my feeling of deserving to be here and deserving to be loved. 

In seeing these aspects of myself, I also see how they have affected my ability to relate to men in the past few years. I have prematurely ended several developing relationships because of what I would now consider “Seinfeld” reasons (if you’ve seen Seinfeld you will know he always found something wrong with each woman he dated, excuses, I believe, to avoid intimacy).  

The past few days of introspection has opened my eyes to seeing how I fear being devastated again, as I was with the final years of marriage. Yes, I have grown in ways I never would have by remaining married. Yes, I am a more whole and complete person now in my own eyes, I no longer seek to be completed by a partner. 

Yet I am also finding that I seek for a lover less. Is it because I fear that intimacy, or is it because I now feel more complete and no longer believe I require a partner to feel whole? Hard to know. What I do know is that it is my desire for my attachment to my future partner to be secure at the highest level, with anxious, disorganized & avoidant at the lowest possible levels. Because you (meaning I) gotta have goals! 

Relationships & Karma

How others treat you is their Karma. How you treat them is yours….

Furthermore:

  • How others treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves.
  • How we allow others to treat us is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

Generally, we will not allow others to treat us any worse than we believe we are worthy of being treated.

Want others to treat you better? Then start to truly love and accept yourself! For when you do, you will not settle (nor allow) someone else to treat you less than you deserve to be treated. 


Images: Google 

Relationships and Shoes: ~ Part II

This piggybacks on a post from January: Relationships & Running Shoes: if it doesn’t fit, don’t force it

***Just to be clear, the shoes represent the relationship in this analogy, not the partner***

When shoe shopping, we find shoes that work for us and many that do not (at least this has been my shoe shopping experience). When we find the right type of shoe and the right fit, we may decided to take those shoes home…

Later, we might find that the shoes blister, or they served their purpose to make us feel sexy for a hot date or to look smart for a job interview. We no longer need those shoes. So we let them go. Do we blame our feet (ourselves) for the failure of the shoes (the relationship) to work out? I doubt it if it’s shoes. I believe we all do if it’s the relationship.

Or what about the shoes that use to work and just no longer do? Expect injuries if you run marathons in worn out shoes (like long-running marriages that just no longer work).

Why the fuck do we do this torturous thing to ourselves with relationships? Why do we blame ourselves or our partners? Maybe we just need a new or different pair of shoes!

And maybe, just maybe, it’s ok to get shoes go when they no longer work for us (damn, though, I still regret getting rid of those Ox Blood Doc Marten’s!)

A few things to consider the next time you’re trying on shoes! Or feeling like a loser when the relationship no longer works for you…remember, it’s just like a pair of shoes! 

Namaste
__/|\__ Metta

2016.02.10

Image: Google

Self-Blaming in Relationships

“Did I build this ship to wreck?”

Florence + The Machine

On many levels, I have blamed myself for the relationships that  failed to root, blossom or thrive and thus dying on the vine. I was constantly playing the “what if game” with my perception of where it failed because of action or inaction on my part. By blaming myself, my failure was in not seeing all that I had gained. Perhaps the relationships had merely run their course, having served their purpose.

In truth, each relationship was a tool for my learning. Each was an opportunity to learn something else about myself. Whether there were elements to like and watch for in the future, or elements to avoid and to more quickly see the red flags.

At times, I had wished to erase the memories: painful and positive alike, just as in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” By so attempting to clear in this way, I minimized my experiences of the joys and amplified the woes. Thus, denying myself the experience, lessons, and energy of what I actually wanted to look for in future relationships.

Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”

– Somni-451 Cloud Atlas

May we take from each interaction a sense of what we want to create for ourselves in the next moment. By so doing, we become our own catalyst for change.

Namaste 

Photo by prozac1 at freedigitalphotos.net

Opening Your Heart

The heart is at the center of our being. When we are in our heart we feel. So often, we live in fear of what we feel, closing off the communication between ourselves and our hearts. We become distant and cold, disconnected and afraid.

With opening into our hearts, we open into feelings and emotions that can scare us. Allowing, just simply allowing and fully experiencing the feeling frees us from its grip. Feelings that are true, such as love, remain and feelings such as pain and fear seem to disappear (these feelings just transform into love, allowing us to grow into love more fully). It can be scary, yet that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Finding attributes in others that we can appreciate can help us to open our hearts to them. People respond to this. When your heart is open, it helps others to be more open, too. I see this is my clients, with whom it is important to begin building trust even before we say hello.

May we find new ways to love, to open our hearts and allow.

Namaste

Offerings for Your Altar

My lover, here is a manifest of offerings I have for you:

my love; divine and undivided

my vulnerability

my desires & fantasies

my service to you

my gifts, talents and special abilities

my lips, hips and fingertips

my warm smile regardless of the weather

my willingness to satisfy and give (relinquishing my challenges to receiving)

my openness to receive you; all of you even the darkness, my knight

a sharing of my strength, including my ability to stand alone, even without you

keys to my castle, unlocked is every room

an all access pass to my garden and its fruits

my presence and full attention

my mind, body and soul; sacredly surrendered (a pleasurable sacrifice)

my mystery and mysticism; lessons from the void

my trust

my knowledge

my desire to understand it all, too

my fire and passion for you and only you

my truth; microscopically

my willingness to uncover, to be naked from my body and up through the soul level

my reciprocity; rising up to meet you so that we may soar, unhindered

the free sharing of my light with you; though not yours to take, you may freely bask in its before and afterglow

my commitment to you and only you (sharing only my body when it suits you)

balance; a play of light and dark, a delicate walk along the razor’s edge

last and surely not least, the whole of my love; the totality of my being

Om Ram Ramaya

balance energizes my body, mind, and spirit

Photo by Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot at freedigitalphotos.net

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑