Attention Seeking Part I

ID-100271416

It is unceremoniously and without much ado that I share with you my desire for having consistent and continuous male attention. On the surface the attention is physical. Yet it is my deeper desire to be desired by a man who finds me spiritually and intellectually attractive, not just sexually or physically.

After feeling that this post was complete and scheduling its release, I found the following quotes on the blog by Desirable Love, they summarize “my deeper desire.”

It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex; people do it all the time, but opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, and dreams… that’s being naked.
~ Excerpt from Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections between Sexuality and Spirituality, written by Rob Bell

If you can’t get naked, you’ll never know love.
~Desirable Love

This male quest seems elusive. Dating sites bring more weeds than fruit, where so many seek FWB, D2F and those who just want to message and sext. Bars and clubs bring drunken escapades, the risk of STDs and the potential for unwanted sexual encounters. Intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs remain unmet in most of these cases, as well.

So I wear my comfortable clothes, rarely flaunting my figure or physical assets. There’s so much more to me than the physical, yet that seems to be the hook.

Alone in my desires, I often feel despair: it is a lonely place to be most of the time when I allow myself to dwell there. In the silent times I query, are my standards too high? Do I seek for love in the wrong places? Am I just not ready for this, though I long to be?

It can be a challenge to see others so content in their relationships. Yes, it appears that I am indeed “peanut butter and jealous.”Deep down I know this comparison only brings me misery, yet it can be a trip that is a challenge to avoid, particularly around the holidays.

Once I realize that I want to be free of this desire for attention and the jealousy of couples, I sit in stillness. Inside myself, I light a candle. It is the flame of knowledge that what I seek is already present within me. I fill my cup with the validation and love that I seek for externally.

Taking my lesson a step further, I find within the places where I have blocked love. I find places where I invalidate and loathe myself. Filling the open wounds with validation and love, I see again where I have within, that which I seek externally.

In the next part of this series, The Fairy Tale of Storybook Romance: Seeking Attention Part II, I explore another level of awareness related to my desire for male attention. In Part III I ask, How bad is it, really? Attention Seeking Part III. In a post hoc conclusion I share what I learned about myself in the process in Now I Begin to See: Attention Seeking Part IV.

May we all be free of the loneliness that prevails deep within. May we be free to connect with ourselves, especially where we have learned to disconnect. May we free ourselves of the obstacles to our own love, to our own light, to our own infinite value, so that we may each connect more deeply with others without barriers.

Sanskrit Mantra: “Lokah Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu”
May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.

Namaste.

Photo by Stuart Miles at freedigitalphotos.net

Ready for Love and No Longer Waiting

dreamstime_xl_42214306

Much of my life has been spent silently and secretly waiting for someone else to love me in the way I so desperately needed. Waiting for someone to discover me on the shore, love me and whisk me away to something better and brighter and ending with the words “happily ever after.”

Yet, in reflection, I have done so much to refute this by being a strong-willed and independent I don’t need your help”  kind-ofwoman. So I denied myself my needs, focusing on being more perfect and uber independent (in whichever way I chose to focus on that day).

As a young girl, I imagined and even wrote poetry about being on a desolate beach when a knight in shining armor rescues me, hoisting me up onto his stead with one smooth motion, of course we then galloped off together into the sunset.

What did I need to be saved from, you wonder? The dragon of my suffering has always truly been My-self. As a result of this deep feeling of lack – an inner poverty- from within, I’ve sought out love in many places. So instead of finding the love and acceptance that I sought, I quickly discovered the many places where it was not.

I tried to barter, beg and manipulate others to get the love and approval that I wanted; so desperately needed. I manipulated you by attempting to project to you the images of myself that I thought would gain more love, more acceptance, more validation, more recognition.

I hid from you the parts of myself that I was afraid to accept. I hid the parts of myself that I thought you would reject. In my quest to be less vulnerable, I just further opened my wounds.

Who better knows how to meet my unique needs than myself? 

Now I’m spending more and more of my time falling in love with, you probably guessed it: myself. This may sound selfish at first glance. I would argue that it is in fact self-less. By finding this love within, I no longer desperately cling to the “love” crumbs that others cast my way.

Now I am able to be more present, more available to others, to hear your needs. Most importantly, the more deeply and thoroughly that I can love and accept myself as I am, the more that I can love and accept you as you are – and the less I need you to be different to avoid triggering my sense of lack. This also translates into the less that I need to control and manipulate you to be someone who does not trigger within me the places that I held contempt for myself. And how can you truly learn to love you if I’m trying to change you?

Giving myself permission to love myself more deeply, including all of my so-called faults, gives you permission to love yourself more deeply and all of your so-called faults.

I am learning, and sometimes relearning, on a daily basis what it is that I need to thrive by loving all of the areas in which I had turned away from myself. Now I am more open to loving others with fewer boundaries. I am also opening new doorways, new pathways, to receiving into my life people who can love me and accept me for who I am, right now. People who do not come into my life to change me, to perfect me nor to reject me for who I am right now.

Thus I am my own knight. I choose when to rescue myself, or how long I want to suffer. I choose which dragons to slay, or how long I allow them to torture me. I choose at night how I want to see myself from that day.

Meanwhile, you are also your own knight. You get to choose, too!

Namaste.

Author’s Note: While my conscious spiritual journey has been an on-going adventure for several years now, I have recently begun to consistently follow the work of Teal Swan. For the past month I have used the technique she described in her video “Healing the Emotional Body” to help reintegrate the “lost parts” of myself. I am also making daily choices based on asking myself this simple and incredibly effective question, “What does someone who loves oneself do?,” from her book Shadows Before Dawn. I then task myself with following through with the action given in the answer. Another great tool is from her video released 10/2015, “Negative Thoughts are Good!,” in which she implores viewers to focus on one “negative” aspect of ourselves each day and explore all the ways in which this is actually positive. 

Each of these three tools has been the equivalent of putting down a hammer made of stone and stick to pick up a pneumatic-powered nail gun. In other words, my self-rediscovery has accelerated significantly in the past month. Thank you so much, Teal Swan for sharing so freely of your work and, most of all, for being you! Namaste, Teal!

Photo ID 42214306 © Dmytro Zinkevych | Dreamstime.com

Then I Caught Myself…

ID-100233713

I thought I was over this.
I though I was through.

Yet, I caught myself,
still looking for you.

You walk into the room.
I imagine running my fingers through your thick hair.
Then you turn your back and leave.

You walk into the room, Take #2.
I imagine what it feels like to rub your balding crown.
Then you turn your back and leave.

You walk into the room, Take #3.
I imagine softly tracing the outlines of your ink lines.
Then you turn your back and leave.

It is now that I realize that it’s not the look of you that I’m looking for, it’s the sensations that I seek…

You walk into the room, Take #4.
I imagine where your eyes sparkle just before our lips meet for the first time.
Then you turn your back and leave.

You walk into the room, Take #5.
I imagine the ways and places where your body touches mine.
Then you turn your back and leave.

You walk into the room, Take #6.
I imagine the sound of your voice whispering in my upturned ear.Then you turn your back and leave.
Then you turn your back and leave.

It is now that I realize that it’s not the senses of you that I’m looking for, it’s the feelings that I seek…

You walk into the room, Take #7.
I imagine what it feels like when you walk with me, at my side.
Then you turn with me and we leave, together.

Namaste

Photo courtesy of arztsamui at Freedigitalphotos.net

Three Days Ago

ID-10060004

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

― Anaïs Nin

Three days ago, I let you go…
For a moment maybe a few hours at least, I felt free. And then…
The seed of emptiness that was planted in yesterdays, shot up like a weed.
An unwanted vine in my garden.
It wrapped its thin silky fingers, little innocent-seeming tendrils, around the beautiful flowers I had planted in my moments of being free.

Three days ago, I let you go…Now:
I once again crave your presence.
I see where I have loved myself (and the world) not.
I see where I have turned away from love, in so many ways.
I see where I created the void that I just keep hoping you would find and fill.

However, the truth is that the void is my own, mine alone.
The truth is that it was never yours to fill.
So now I sit in the sweet stillness of my creation.
I sit to see where I can now choose to love, where once I chose to not.
I sit to embrace and love the nooks and crannies of the void, to begin to fill this pit.

I am grateful for the space.
I am grateful for the time.
I am grateful for the unfolding,
of myself for myself.
It’s not so selfish, as it sounds.

Namaste

Photo Courtesy of  Simon Howden at Freedigitalphotos.net

The Empty Frame

ID-100109781

The wound is the place where the light enters you. -Rumi

There is a deep, pervasive emptiness from which I often try to run and hide. It permeates and weaves through so many aspects of my life, like a malignant web of blackness that darkens my vision and protects me from the very thing that I seek: Love.

Filling my time, my schedule, my mind with activities and tasks, I avoid looking into the emptiness. Yet it beckons me. It calls out and sometimes it seems to  swallow my being. Late last night I tried to avoid its call. I stayed out late, in the hopes of falling asleep before I could gain a glimpse at the emptiness. Instead, it fixed it’s fiery eyes on me and stared me right in the face, gripping my heart with its icy tendrils. It’s grip would not relax until I finally relinquished my fear and met its leering gaze. Once I acknowledged its presence, the real free-fall began.

It is interesting how disconnecting from Facebook, meditating and “Letting go” of my dream of a lover has helped me to find this barren desert in my soul.

In scanning last night through the YouTube videos of one of my favorite spiritual leaders, Teal Swan, I quickly happened upon a post called “Emptiness (How to Stop Feeling Empty)”, embedded below. This nearly 9-minute post helped me to begin to see many of the places in which I have turned away from love. I was able to see a new perspective of where I have been wounded, the moments where I was hurt by what I thought was love.

Love didn’t hurt you. Someone who doesn’t know how to love hurt you & you confused the two.

– Tony Gaskins, Jr

At my core, I know that love heals. To live the full truth of the healing properties of Love, I am looking through my “debris field” for all of the parts of me I have left behind; the parts that believe love hurts.

At the end of the video, Teal uses one of my favorite Rumi quotes to summarize the message she is conveying:

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

Photo Courtesy of adamr at Freedigitalphotos.net

Letting You Go to Embrace What Is

ID-100298000

Letting go of a dream, even one deferred.

Letting go of the hopes, wishes and aspirations for your presence here in my life.

Letting go of the unspent moments of tomorrows yet to be.

***

Releasing the idea of you on the wind, (fly and be free).

Releasing the thoughts of what I wanted so desperately to be (go, now).

Releasing the pain of the loneliness that I dreamt only you could cure (being my own cure).

***

Moving forward with my life (let’s roll).

Moving into the next moment with detachment (being present with the now).

Moving through my loneliness as only I can, with as much grace as I can muster (with flowers in my hair).

***

There is still a place for you in my heart (it is filled with love).

There is still a place for you by my side (though it is empty not).

There is still a silence when I ask for you to speak (though sometimes I believe I hear you whisper)

***

Yes, I know you are still there (why wouldn’t you be?)

Yes, I know that if it is meant to be, it will  (there is no need to push).

Yes, I am learning to love myself in new and more expansive ways (as only I can).

***

Know that I am still here (why wouldn’t I be?)

Know that I still foresee your arrival at my door (maybe it’s for another lifetime).

Know that I am going to thrive, even without you here (as I hope you are also).

***

Letting you go means I am rolling onwards (no longer waiting).

Letting you go means I am breathing on my own (no longer holding my breath).

Letting you go means I’m expanding further into my own, on my own (as I hope you are also).

***

Embrace your new found freedom (as I am).

Embrace the Divinity of who you are,  right now (as I do the same)

Embrace the peace that is your truth (as I learn that,  too).

***

Knock when you are ready (I will answer).

Namaste.

Photo courtesy of winnond at Freedigitalphotos.net

In the Meantime

ID-100120781

“i want to be
in love with you

the same way
i am in
love with the moon

with the light
shining
out of its soul.”
― Sanober Khan

In the meantime…while I wait for love’s sweet embrace,

I wait, but I do not sit still. In stillness I may sit in meditation, but it is then that I wait not.

I hold the space open for you at my side, but never am I truly alone.

At times I may feel lonely, but all I need do is light my candle in your honor, and feel your warmth from across the room.

When the waves of my emotions threaten to strike me down I hold my ground. At times that ground is in the shifting sands of the shore break. If I am feeling weak or the emotions too strong and I do collapse, I do not let it keep me down.

While I await your return, I sit and weave my words. But never do my feet gather moss.

Sometimes I imagine what you may be doing or thinking as I go about my day. Other times I wonder what it will be like when we finally meet. I do not dwell on these fantasies, yet they are there.

You are not on this earth to complete me. You are my compliment, likeness, and support. All of these things exist in me now, even without you here by my side.

In the meantime, I live my life to the fullest. Yes, there are times when I grow lonely. Yes, there are times when I long for more.

In the meantime, I am here. Waiting. Standing up in the shifting sands of the shore break. Lighting my candle. Holding the space. Complete in myself. Join me, the water is divine!

Namaste.

Photo courtesy of thawats at Freedigitalphotos.net

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑