The Fear of Being Loved

For as long as I can remember, I have sought for love. Perhaps it is the hopeful and “hopeless romantic” within (see Enneagram 4). There has always been this underlying feeling of being incomplete; an irredeemable deficiency as described by Ian Morgan Cron, a fellow “4”.

In diving into this incessant need to be loved and even validated through relationship, I found that underneath the push, that I have deeply fear being loved. Initially, this was quite a shock for me to see. Yet, in looking back, I see this has been clearly reflected to me, repeatedly ad nauseam, in the men I have been in relationships with. Heck, I can even see it play out in my friendships.

Every man I’ve dated and many of my friends have been in some way unavailable, most in multiple ways: emotionally unavailable, lacking time, have lived far away, had too many other commitments, or were still stuck on their exes (the latter is in regards to dating, obv). These are not pock shots at anyone, I share this as it is a direct reflection of where I was unavailable; even if my being unavailable showed up differently….

I seem to be like a moth with the flame. While I want to be in close friendships and even in a lovingly relationship, I am now acutely aware of where I have not wanted to get too close. I push forward, then I pull away. This is indicative of having a fearful attachment; where I both seek love and yet when I find it that very love is also scary AF.

Taking things a step further, I see where it also plays out with my children. While I have improved some, there are times when I feel there is something “I must do right now” on my phone or a chore in the home, when in reality, the majority of the time it really could wait until later; meanwhile my kids wait for me to finish my task. I put them/love on hold instead of putting the task on hold…

This had been unintentional/unconscious on my part. Now, I see where the push and pull has negatively affected me and my ability to relate with others. With this new awareness in mind, I have been doing body scans, observing the places where I feel contracted. It seems to be helping, because I’m noticing I’ve becoming less afraid to live unfiltered; more authentically.

May we each see and acknowledge our fears, to release ourselves from their grip. May we each recognize and accept the places in our lives where we have blocked out love; allowing us to love more freely. 

Namaste

A very helpful meditation to help with sitting with anger

 

Moving from Resentment into Freedom (it’s easier than you may think…)

In working to bring forward more inner light, there was an exercise in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers (Debbie Ford) that instructed the reader to write letters to people in their lives who needed to be forgiven; to be clear, who the reader needed to forgive. I found myself thoroughly procrastinating on and resisting this exercise.

Finally, I started to write out to the first person on my list that I was willing to forgive him. Immediately the memories flooded back along with the emotional anguish and heartache. My next sentence was something akin to “eff that, there is part of me that absolutely doesn’t want to forgive you.” In my mind, I felt like a young child crossing her arms after stomping her feet and chanting, “I don’t wanna.”

This mental tempter tantrum went of for several moments. Then the miracle happened: it was as if the scoreboard was wiped clean; I no longer felt the resistance to forgiveness. It was in acknowledging and allowing myself to NOT want to forgive this man of his trespasses that I was able to forgive him and my emotional burdens were also released.

Later, I started write a forgiveness letter to myself. Almost immediately, I began to feel sad and angry about some work-related and financial aspects in my life. Things for which I have felt that had I “chosen differently” would not be factors holding me back. I then allowed myself to throw another mental temper tantrum about how I didn’t want to let go of my anger and sadness at myself. I wanted to hold onto my pain because it was all I had known. Yet, once again, the miracle of fully allowing my resistance actually freed me. After all, we cannot rebel where there is nothing to resist against….

I share these experiences with you in the hopes that you will see that holding back your “negative” emotions just holds you back from being free of them. A wise woman repeatedly told me “the pain is in the resistance.” These experiences have shown me, on a deeper level, just what she was telling me.

May we each give ourselves permission to acknowledge and allow the emotions that hold us back, so that we may be free of them.

Namaste

I find that shredding paper and making mosaics can be very helpful when I’m feeling stuck. The beauty is more in the creatively destructive process than in the final products.

This is my chained and unforgiving heart

This is my open, crowned and passionate heart

Balancing Affirmations for Unlocking Authenticity

For over 5 years I’ve had an on-again-off-again relationship with positive affirmations. The challenge I run into every time is that I feel immediate resistance to the new affirmation. The parts of me that reject the affirmation quickly rise up. Then within a day or so, all of the areas in my life that don’t meet that affirmation all bubble up (like poop in water) to the top. It can be a very unpleasant experience, that feels much like a very restrictive diet; making it very difficult to stick to for very long (if at all). Well, now I have learned a few more balanced approaches to affirmations that I’d like to share with you.

Over a year ago, my trusted life coach, Sam Allen of Peacock Poetry told me about a book whose title caused an immediate wave of resistance to rise up within me (you may be noticing a theme of resistance here). While I immediately put this book in the “to buy later” cart, I ignored it for at least a year until my curiosity got the best of me. Now half-way through the book, I’m recognizing why those “old ways” of positive affirmations didn’t work and it has been life changing. The book? The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.

Debbie speaks to reclaiming our authenticity by seeing and accepting the parts of us which we have rejected or repressed. You may be surprised to see that these parts are not just our “bad” or negative parts, either. For instance, I fear being too happy or too joyful for very long!!! The affirmations help in embracing the parts of us that we repress, deny, reject, suppress, avoid, and so on (use whatever other words to describe what keeps us from being our authentic selves). These affirmations help to embrace those rejected pieces within.

Being authentic means embracing and accepting that ALL of our varied parts DO have a purpose: not just the light, shiny, happy, rainbow and unicorn-magical parts either. Each is us has had thoughts or behaviors we have deemed forbidden. Anger, for instance, consistently gets a bad rap. However, when used properly, anger is a fantastic tool for change and protection. Without anger, it would take a lot more effort to fuel things like a social change. Anger also helps us to defend ourselves when it is necessary (and when it is suppressed, we can become either passive-aggressive or explosive when we do express our need for self-protection).

What Debbie teaches is that each part of us has a purpose and when we accept that part of us is indeed purposeful and part of us, then we can use it as a tool as opposed to it ruling us behind-the-scenes!

Debbie also speaks to how we can uncover these hidden gems. It is quite simple to find, yet may be more challenging to redeem… We see these hidden gems in others, yes, we do. However, usually when we see these gems we generally either praise the person (because we don’t believe we have that trait) or we judge them (because we don’t want to believe we have that trait). After seeing the trait it is then up to us to work to embrace the trait. Yet, so many of us have learned to envy and/or hate others for expressing what we cannot or for showing us the parts of ourselves we do not wish to see.

So it is in seeing ourselves in others, in ourselves, and embracing those “undesired” or “desired” and repressed aspects that we begin to heal ourselves. Then we no longer need to “prove” ourselves differently than we are. We can then recognize that those “undesired” aspects can serve us in some way that then gives us control again, as opposed to spending all of our energy proving or repressing ourselves.

Here is an example. When I do not believe myself worthy, then I am continually chasing ahead to prove myself worthy. It’s a continual process of spinning in a hamster wheel. I may prove myself worthy today, but then I’ve got to prove it again tomorrow and so on. When I embrace that part of myself who feels unworthy, then I no longer carry that burden of being unworthy. Capiche?

Another example would be where I, just today, really wanted to write about this experience and yet found myself doing everything but writing. There was part of me that was highly resistant to writing. So I did a balancing affirmation where I allowed myself a mental temper tantrum of “I do not want to write.” Within minutes of affirming that I did not want to write, and allowing myself to not want to write, I was 200 words into this post with minimal effort.

Yet another example is where I recently found myself envious of another writer. I did not feel I could accomplish what she has accomplished. This envy is a sign that I was repressing an aspect of myself that is indeed there…

In the last two examples, I’ve shown how my dualistic mind that is holding me back. I’ve started to see this pattern both in myself and in others; this “push-pull.” So now when I start a new affirmation, I have also begun to immediately affirm the converse. For instance, “I want to write. I do not want to write.” This allows me to recognize and even affirm the divisiveness that I feel within. If things are going well internally and externally then there’s no reason to write an affirmation.

I hope you find this post supportive in your efforts to bring forth more of your authentic self. It’s amazingly freeing to see where we can affirm ourselves; supporting both the “dark” and the “light” aspects. After all, unconditional love moves beyond the duality of right and wrong, and sees the unity of ALL (unconditional means this includes the “dark stuff,” too).

May we each find greater peace, moving beyond duality, so that we can find the ultimate freedom and unity within: Agape. 

Namaste

PS I spent more time resisting this piece than I spent editing and writing it… the “I don’t want to write” affirmation/acknowledgement freed me almost immediately after DAYS, almost weeks, of resistance.

For How Long Do You Suffer?

The keys to our freedom are in our hands. Yet so often we ignore them, brush them off, put them to the side or outright deny them. The keys to our freedom rest in our willingness to walk into and sit with the paradox of our dilemmas. We have been taught to avoid our own shadows, our fears, the things that go bump in the night and wake us up. Yet it is in the darkness that we have the potential for growth. Seeds sprout and take root in the dark. Our creativity is also borne out of our willingness to take a walk on our own dark sides.

So for how long will you suffer your fears? Carrying them around on your back, on your chest, weighing you down and keeping you from your greatness?

It is through walking into the pain that releases it and allows us to grow into something greater. The release is in the surrender; in the trust that we will survive our emotions, our inner conflicts and paradoxes.

One of the great cosmic jokes is that in embracing our pain, we are finally able to be free of it.

Images: google

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Wisdom by Carl Jung

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.

We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.

Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.

The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.

In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism. (Ouch!)

A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.

Related Reading:

Owning Your Own Shadow

Love Lessons

Reaching heights unknown

Places unobtainable alone

Immediately feeling at home

~

A lit candle 

Always creates shadows

Chasing away darkness

~

The bright flame

Melts wax, lava

Burns tender flesh

~

Sensitive skin seeks

Respite & reprieve

In shadows unseen

~

The lit candle

Reveals lost pains

Inner child retreats

~

Pleas to slowdown 

Unheard, misunderstood, ignored

The bud obliterated 

~

Love lost yet regained 

Breathing, feeling, allowing

Repleted in the void

~

Perhaps it’s best

To unfold these

Love lessons alone

~

Namaste 

Today No One Wins

The stakes of today’s election are high. Emotions are fever pitched and yet within others who are boycotting the vote, there is a stark indifference and apathy.

Today, no one wins. We project onto and vilify the candidate who triggers within us the darkness parts we wish to not see that are within us. Until we see and accept that undesirable aspect within ourselves, we will continue to blame and point our crooked fingers at others.

What part of ourselves do we not want to see? What demons lurk within our shadows? It is only when we see the boogeyman within and accept that aspect of ourselves that we will be free. Until then, we will continue to be disturbed by others who display for us that unwanted and suppressed feature. 

Today, no one wins.

Namaste

Dual Seduction

At first, there was only light.
Light only knew light,
having seen nothing else.
To experience itself as more,
as separate, shadow was created.
Here light could feel differently.

In the shadows, light could choose
it was given Free Will to experience
once again as connected light or
separate from light and live
in the shadows; dual situations,
either a sweet seduction.

Someone called this shameful, a sin,
to within the darkness live.
The shadows now become where
the little light fears itself,
fears its connection, all the judging
further separating and disconnecting.

Somewhere the light became confused
and mistook its shadow for its truth.
This pushed the light further away,
thinking it was somehow evil & not okay.
Further shielding thus more shadows created,
more and more each light feels separated.

In its pain and suffering, the light
sees its own shadows in others.
Not seen as a reflection, the light
then moves into projection of its
own wounds, casting shadows
onto other lights. No one is bright.

To change its course, each light now
can choose the lit path once more,
in so doing, each light now has work to do.
To remove each obstacle
that blocks the fullest expression of
each lights’ light, no one can lose.

Knowing that some lights are born
just to cast shadows, allowing the light
to more fully experience itself through
Free Will to choose to live free of the dross,
labeling the shadows as “evil” puts all at a loss.
For all lights to shine brightly once again,
it takes each Light making a repeated choice to follow its own truth.

For all lights to shine brightly once again,
it takes each Light making a repeated choice to follow its own truth.

~~~

Poet’s note: I’ve been pre-writing this piece all week. After scheduling it to publish, I realized the date… 9 years ago today the shootings at Virginia Tech, my alma mater, occurred. Much love & healing to all involved including: the survivors, health care providers, first responders, & to the families of all lives lost that April day. How hard it must be for the shooter’s family to remember their own loss.

Please check out the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Movement, founded by Jesse’s mother following The Sandy Hook Shootings. Her book, Nurturing Healing Love by Scarlet Lewis, is an amazing read.

May we each love a little bit more today and everyday. Love.

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Images: Google

Full Moon Clearing

Right now, this song sums up my desire for being in an microscopically honest relationship; the Divine Union is my ultimate mission here.

Currently, I’m maximizing the clearing energy of the full moon shining its light on my shadows; my inversion of sun and moon signs is intensifying this all.

There are several posts about my skeletons, my bitterness, death, etc and I’m merely cleaning out my closests.

My ultimate goal is to accept and love myself as fully as I can. Cleansing my magnet to attract the man who can handle me and all of my eccentricities, who celebrates them instead of merely tolerating them.

Helping others to understand helps me too. By sparking more candles, we each see better!

Thank you for being here to witness and support this transition. 

Know I am ok, my faith is strong in walking through the shadows of death. 

Know there is more clearing to come.

Love to you all!

Namaste

__/|\__ Metta

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