Degrees of Freedom

Freedom from emotions that threaten to crush us occurs in degrees. When we allow our feelings their due course, they move through and out of us. The challenge is that in the fear of feeling we often block the process, which keeps these emotions locked in our bodies and in our subconscious. These blocked emotions then secretly direct and control our actions – because we then move about our lives in fear of feeling them. Sometimes we also find ourselves blaming others. Good ol’ projection keeps us from taking steps to fix the underlying issue that’s within us.

To sit and allow these emotions their “time in court” permits us to gain increasingly greater degrees of freedom. By unpacking these emotions, like unpacking a suitcase that we’ve been carrying around over the course of our lifetimes, lifts that weight from us and we are able to begin moving about with a greater lightness to our steps as those unpacked emotions no longer weigh on us nor control us.

By sitting through each emotion and giving it time to speak uninhibited, the emotions can move through quickly, though at times intensely.

As a passionate woman, I feel things very deeply, throughout my entire body at times. Sometimes I experience physical pain as the emotions move through. Regardless of how strong the emotion is, I do my best to give it my fullest attention until its time is done and like a cloud whose time is done, it simply disintegrates.

I know there will be more clouds, more storms and more emotions to weather. I also know that there is more freedom to be gained in allowing them all to pass through. Fighting the hurricane requires too much effort to maintain. In the end, we are only fighting ourselves.

In going through this process, I often reach out for assistance from a Higher Power. Today was no exception. For instance, I asked to be held when I felt alone. When I feared the emotions would break me, I asked for support and imagined my backbone becoming stronger and more resilient. I became my own pillar through the grace of my Higher Power.

Here are some of the emotions, somewhat in order, as I experienced them today in working through a very powerful emotional storm. We’re talking gale-force winds, horizontal rains, hail, thunder and maybe even some fire and brimstone. Pervasive emotions are denoted by an asterisk.

*Grief, sadness
Anger
Betrayal
*Unrequited desire for love
*Rejection
Emptiness
Shame
*inadequacy
*unworthiness
Being used or harvested
A desire to leave, escape, run away (GTFO)
*Longing for death
Seeing visions and feeling transported back to “the house” a place of many dark memories where abuse occurred regularly.

Once I reach the “death” stage, I know I am almost done. I see this as the peeling back of the final layer of my old self. This is a form of submission, as well. Giving into the feeling allows me to be free of it, even the desire for death.

Following this process, I often feel a sense of relief. Sometimes I can feel a lingering sense of mourning, as in a way, part of me has died. At this stage, I set about asking my Higher Power to fill me with Love, support, acceptance and anything else that I feel I need in that moment. It is then that I am often overcome with a great sense of peace. Sometimes I feel somewhat tired, other times I feel energized. Regardless, I always feel more free.

Here are some of my observations over the four plus years I’ve practiced emotional alchemy:

  • The more we can weather, the more perfect the storm becomes.
  • The higher we fly spiritually, the deeper we must dig emotionally.
  • The desire to leave often precedes the desire for death.
  • The stronger the emotion, the more it needs to be heard, the more freedom regained.
  • The more I dread and avoid the process, the greater the rewards when I allow it to occur.

Please join me in gaining more degrees of freedom!

Image: google

 

On Finding Love

[Rumi quote]

With each post and each level of submission to my fears,

I uncover a new way to Love myself.

At times tumultuous, and others torturous,

with each slip into the unknown,

i come back more alive and free.

Sometimes I resist this surrender.

I fight it tooth and nail.

scratching at demons with baby-like wails;

those creatures I so wish to impale.

Yet, they are all just another aspect of me,

each desiring and longing to be free.

only when I care stare them in the face

and see through my rage,

do I truly see they were lies

told to me at a young age.

So now I sit and study each facet.

Only then can I turn another page,

and live through another chapter.

There is no fairy tale ending.

Tomorrow is another level up,

bigger, badder demons in the same skins.

Time once again to sit with the within.

image: google

 

Strings

Strings sure make a mess of things.

Attached to this, stuck to that.

knotted and curled,

hard to unfurl5

Spagetti tangles

All within becomes a mess; mangled.

Strings, attached to things.

unable to come undone

without conscious living.

cutting, severing and releasing

giving it over to a higher power.

once again releasing my vision of you.

returning now to living free

and breathing. until the

strings again reform.

~~

image: Google

 

Permission to Feel

Today, I give myself permission to feel what is real for me
right now, right here in this moment, even if it is fleeting.
Suppressing the feelings just keeps me “in it.”
Denying the pain, pushing it away, causes persistence.

Seeing where I want to be and only focusing on the goal
keeps the anger, the fears & the things that keep me
from being truly free inside of me.
Pushing them down to the bottom of my cup,
only keeps them & me stuck.

Allowing the feelings, giving them permission to be
grants them access to egress and move about freely.
Once fully given permission & expressed, they leave me.
The Agape of God may then fully ingress
and fill my cup with the things I need to be more free.

Feeling it seems like irony…
yet this is a path to The Kingdom.

image: google

 

Annular

Circles and cycles
repeatedly returning,
seemingly back to the start.
At times feelings of  falling apart.

Much like Groundhog’s Day
until the lesson is learned,
the part made whole,
what is outward becomes inward: enfolded.

Just as the season’s cycle,
so do the lessons,
again like the corkscrew
piercing deeper into shadows.

From the death of fallen leaves
new life sprouts again
in the spring.
Destruction precedes construction.

Again and again
the wheel turns ’round
pouring seeds and fodder
to the ground.

We can choose to resist this
yet it all happens, regardless.
To be vulnerable, allowing cultivation,
and not fallowing of sacred ground is true strength.

Image: Pintrest (no artist credited)

The Path: Submitting to Femininity Part III

Warning: The video is NSFW.

This is part three of Submitting to Femininity Series. This post focuses on the path and tools and applies to women as much as it does to men. We all hold within the energy of The Divine Feminine.
Part I: Into the Pink, Part II: Being.

The Path to Submission

15 years ago several women I was working with were talking about submitting to their husbands. I thought they were crazy and I was unable to hear their words. There was no way I was going to submit to any man, I thought to myself. Ironic to find myself now writing about this very thing. Their submission was based on their Jewish religious teachings. For me, submission is a personal choice that cannot be dictated, directed nor coerced by anyone. To submit under duress is surrender.
Now I find myself submitting to the feminine qualities that I have fought hard against for most of my life. I am finding power in submission, power in wearing pink and power in being uniquely feminine. I realize now that by living through the power of my Animus for so long, I was exhausting myself and not being true to my own power. I now see my role as a woman very differently.

 

The Masculine Path for Modern Women

It is the man’s masculine journey to prove his worth, his value, his skills, his knowledge, and his abilities often separately from others. Modern Women often feel that we must prove ourselves, as well. So often as a new mother, I fought against receiving help from others. It made me feel weak. I needed to prove, “I’ve got this! [fuck you].”
Fighting fire with fire to “make it” in a masculine world, women often put on Animus masks to move upwards in work and academic environments. This is where we adopt the Animus in our feeling of lack of power in a society that disqualifies feminine strength.
As women, we exhaust ourselves when we continually live in this way. We are using our tools, our energy, in a way in which they were not made to serve us. While we can use our high heeled shoes to drive a nail into a wall, a hammer is a much more effective tool to use. To repeatedly use our shoe, we have the potential to ruin it as well as to exhaust ourselves in the process.
Letting go of the need to prove ourselves is part of this journey into softening into our femininity. In our role as women, our journey is to just be who we are here to be. This involves the inward journey of Psyche. Going down into the Underworld and seeing our strength as women to move through the levels. Being ourselves, seeing that beauty exists within – it is not a physical implement to which we apply to our skin. This is Persephone’s secret that she shares with Psyche: our beauty as it is is our strength.

Trust

So much of this process is about trust. We must learn to trust our hearts. There are times where the lessons that need to be learned have pain and darkness attached to them. This does not mean that our hearts are wrong when they lead us in a direction that involves pain. Instead it is where we are blocked in love that we must learn a new way, a new perspective; a new way to soften within. Sometimes it is necessary for the wounds to be reopened for them to be healed.
Many men and women have been hurt by men who held power of us. This can cause us to shy away from trusting power. I know it is hard for me to let go of control in so many ways because of my past. Yet I am finding that not trusting is keeping me isolated. For me to grow, I must spread my wings. For keeping my arms clutched to my side or over my heart, I cannot fly. Instead, I would just sink like a rock if I were to jump.
So with each encounter and with each relationship, I learn a new lesson about others and about my strength. Opening my heart even when it is scary, even when it hurts, even when the hinges creak from lack of use, the door to my heart when it is opened allows me to experience a greater truth: my light is infinite.
We each have darkness that must be healed. We each have ways that we stand in our own lights, creating shadows that we believe are the truth of who we are. In trusting our hearts to go down into the darkness, just as Psyche does, we can learn a new truth. We are all truly loved. We are all truly supported. Sometimes the best way to see our light is in the darkness, just as with stars.

Feminine Tools: The Knife and the Lantern

In the story of Psyche and Eros, Psyche had two tools at her disposal: a knife and a lantern. Her sisters bade that she kill her lover with the knife. Instead, Psyche chose to look upon him after being pierced by one of his arrows, causing her to fall in love with him, as such she could not kill him. This is when hot oil from her lantern burns his skin.
As a woman this speaks to me clearly about discernment. Knives are tools that can be used to separate, to discern. They can be used as a tool as in the kitchen or in healing as in surgery. Knives can also be used as a weapon. As women, we have a choice of how we want to use our tools. Are our tongues sharp or are the words we use helpful to those we love?
The lantern offers the image of a soft light in the darkness. A woman’s light is of the moon, soft and shining in the dark sky. Yet when too sharp, too fixed, our light can also burn. Though we do not have the light of the sun, our lights can also inflict burns. This calls for discernment in the use of our tools.
As a mother, as a lover, I can choose how to use my tools. Sometimes regardless of how loving my intentions can be, others may find my light and words offending. I must discern what is right from my heart so that I can do my part in helping support others on their journey.

Femininity = Being

In observing couples, I repeatedly see the power struggles between couples. In general, one uses passive-aggressive techniques to control the other. I certainly remember playing that role with my ex when the relationship was disintegrating. In feeling weak in myself, I felt I needed to control him. Trust me, there were ways in which he also did the same to me. In our weakness, we tried to gain control over the other through different means.
Now I believe my role is to just be me in my fullest expression of femininity through softening more and more fully into my heart, into my truth. In allowing myself to be myself more and more fully, I empower and give permission to Him to be Himself more fully. Furthermore, the more I soften into my femininity, the more He can grow into the fullest expression of His Masculinity. There is a reciprocation of energy that has the potential to be infinite when well matched as described in “to My Etheric Lover.”

The Journey

While the masculine journey is an external one to prove one’s skills, the feminine journey is an internal one to accept one’s emotions. For our journeys to be complete, men and women alike must take the inner path. For too long, our society has drained the Divine Feminine of its true Valor while overemphasizing the masculine external journey. This prevents us from all from successfully being balanced and complete.
Image: Leonid Afremov

the submission

shape me

form me

I am but 

putty in your 

hands

roll me over

if you wish

take me

to the next level

of resistance

so that we may begin

again.

your hardening

to my softening of

succombing 

letting go

of everything

I know.

falling apart

coming undone

like a pebble in

your river of life.

take me down a level,

to build me back up,

rising higher with

each turn,

sinking lower to

clear out that

next bit

of resistance…

Namaste.

Photo credit

losing myself to find myself

Holding on white-knuckled trying to control each aspect, each element of my ride, makes for a stressed-out, uncaring and hollow me. The feeling of being out of control, burnt out, weary.

Letting go, succombing, submitting and softening into this space of all knowing takes me out of the race, the need to control dissolves. Who I thought I was falls to the side. By losing myself, I find myself.

By letting go, I gain now a different sense of control. The irony is that the only thing I control, is submission, is surrendering, is the letting go.

Borrowing today from the Christian Stream of consciousness:

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will save it. Luke 9:24

And from Maynard James Keenan, et al:

Lost again, Broken and weary, Unable to find my way, Tail in hand, Dizzy and clearly unable to, Just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown, Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun, I choose to live

Artwork Journey of the Wounded Healer

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