at any sign of threat whether real or imagined, physical or not – i had developed a quite formidable talent of cloistering my ever so-sensitive heart. other over-developed knee-jerk reactions have included: fighting with mental brute force, running, disappearing, or contracting as many muscle fibers as i could – for maybe, just maybe, if i contracted enough i could will it all to just stop …
in the spring-time, beginning work with a spiritual mentoring group, the 8 of us were urged to set and share individual intentions for our emerging practice
with brevity & valor, i chose my focus: big love* & equanimity – remaining open-hearted, present & centered, even-keeled, especially in the midst of any shit storm …
mental symbols for me:
a gyroscope – moving yet unmoved by external perturbations
& a boat continually righting itself in high seas
little did i know of what was to come…
life has since brought me many (so many) opportunities to practice my new intentions; at times i felt there were no quarters … no holds barred – would my boat sink when it all felt turned the “f” & completely upside down? opportunities, i now see, to strengthen those righting muscles & more …
for without difficulties, how would we experience strength?
without darkness, how would we really know faith?
and at times the patterns of my neurology would lead me away from my intentions; often just briefly: each time offering me the opportunity to recommit to myself & my intentions, during these times the song lyrics from the “Hamilton” Broadway play would often come to mind:
We in the shit now, somebody gotta shovel it!
Hercules Mulligan, I need no introduction
When you knock me down I get the f*ck back up again!**
what once had sent me off-course or cloistered, a sunken ship, now leads me to a greater strength – without the need for brute force (dare i say resilience? a word used all too frequently in the healthcare industry during the 2020)
another big lesson for me in this was understanding that i was being strengthened; not being tested … where one perspective empowered, the other disempowered – the latter a hard stop in times of difficulty
there is a newfound majesty opening before me & within; it really was here all along – just awaitin’ for me to see it
in Buddhism there is the parable of the 2 darts: the 1st dart is the pain of life hitting us with something (this is inevitable), where the 2nd dart is the one we throw at ourselves based on our reactions to the 1st dart; the 2nd dart leads to suffering – often far beyond the pain of the 1st dart. it is my goal to avoid hitting myself with that 2nd dart as much as possible
*
after writing & editing this piece, i felt “big” wasn’t quite big enough – the word majestic is now far more fitting – perhaps now that we’re moving out of spring and into summertime “big” has simply blossomed into majestic …
**
in doing an internet search for these lyrics today, i am absolutely convinced God has a sense of humor… the lyrics are from the song “Yorktown (the world turned upside down)” there are so many layers of meaning for me: i visited Yorktown in the winter, and listened to this song as i drove away, tears falling as i felt the sacrifices made by so many; including many of my own ancestors… plus, i’m not the biggest fan of musicals, however, “Hamilton” is such a masterpiece for me (ironically, i’m adding a quote from the wizard of oz)
(image: source unknown)
copyright 2023 & 2024 tiffany c. all rights reserved
Unfiltered from the heart 
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