Unfiltered from the heart

i
walking the tightrope
the thin red line between
being upright
& a complete loss
of my center of mass

fighting the fall
an inevitable piece
to the process of grief
just keeps me stuck
in fight or flight (or freeze)

to pack and move the things
after a long workday
after being told my property manager
of 6 years left the company yesterday
at a time when i needed her the most
was the final straw
suddenly, i was in a free fall

ii
mysterious water trickled in
leeching into the carpeting
from 2 different directions
then with each footfall
percolating upwards
between planked floorboards
in the kitchen & utility

multiple plumber calls
over 4 blasted weeks
many holes cut into unsuspecting walls
without courtesy while
owners pointing fingers
in opposite directions
meters’ triangles unmoved, unmoving
even by everyone’s f*ucking desperation

finally a request to cut off
the water at the street
something i did easily
& effortlessly
with a plumber’s key
(yet no one paid me! she laughs, nervously)

iii
over 3 months later
& the flooring still stained
now suddenly
everyone wants to fix
all the f*cking things
which means it falls again
to me to make the moves

vertically displacing as much as i can
from the 1st to the 2nd floor of this unit
after long workdays, running on E
this woman still has energy to be angry
angry enough for an ugly cry openly
while still parked on the street

it’s like moving, while not moving
the uprooting of so much energy
water that wasn’t even mine
yet i still have so much f*ucking responsibility

iv
in a slightly better place now
just to the other side of the hell point
the lowest of the low
the bottom of the fall
the beginning of the upswing

there is still so much left to do
and how to make it all fit
while still taking care of the daily things
that need tending
kids with different special needs
don’t need care about how to make it happen
when the timeline has not
yet even been set
somehow both comforting &
damning

i call out to anyone who will hear
please for the love of God & all
things holy
please stop f*cking me this year

{image: pexels}

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