in fighting the fall
really i am fighting it all
most notably myself
depriving the present
of my own presence
built within the human experience
a spectrum of emotions
to push one away is to
blunt them all
the process of grief
has fixed stations
in some i linger
moving away languidly
in others i resist deeply
at times bouncing between
the themes
the path each time
lived in its own order
based on what
is needed, permitted
or pressed into a corner
ohhh & the level of self-abandonment …
anger, like fire, rises up
& ignites passion
gives energy for change
if its path is fully permitted
sadness, like deep waters, pulls me down –
at times i wonder if i’ll drown
in my own emotions
fighting it all is just exhausting
like treading water
while caught in a hurricane
denial – does it even exist?
this isn’t happening or
focusing on the things i find distracting
keeping my mind thinking on all the other things
& saying eff off to all these icky effing feelings
guilt & shame
a blending of anger & sadness
for me
the darts of fire pointing, stabbing
jabbing within
they ask, respectively:
what did i do wrong?
& worse: what tf is wrong with me?
bargaining, begging
how can i get another chit?
what can i give for another take?
there must be something i can give
for this whole thing is more that i can bear
the process is ongoing,
where acceptance is just another
and seemingly elusive station
where peace is bestowed or finally presented
(it was there along, i just didn’t see it)
the portion of which is in proportion to the allowing
of each previous station
i can bounce in and out of it
based on the intensity with which
i find myself re-looping into the past,
out of the present
perhaps this life thing is really about
most fully experiencing
each given moment
within the spectrum as it is presented
choosing repeatedly our focus
can assist or break us down further
where are we fighting, allowing
giving up or over-doing
in oh so many ways
we can choose our perspective
& thus our experience
{image: pexel}
copyright 2023 & 2024 tiffany c. all rights reserved
Unfiltered from the heart 
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