Unfiltered from the heart

when i gaze into your eyes
it is my own self that i most fear
peering back at me
yes, it’s an absolute mindfvck.

for to see what is in you is to see what is in me.
the splinter in your eye is the plank in my own.

when i get frustrated with the whatevers of the moment
it is myself that i am most dissatisfied
out of fear, i have fled from my reflection, from you

for in you, i often saw was where i lacked or felt broken
& possibly more frightening –
where i felt i was too, too much

my fears are more a reflection of myself than of you,
please don’t misconstrue my words. i am not projecting.

finally, i recognize it is my responsibility
to steer my own course through these dysfunctional waters
it is an ongoing task to reset the sail
pointing the bow back into myself
instead of blaming you & no longer scapegoating
where the currents of yesteryears push port
instead of starboard
correcting the course is fighting against the stream
at least initially …

(no longer blaming you for it
& owning my part of it
can be the biggest struggle)

now, i’m learning to trust
myself, my feelings & my intuition
instead of the self-limiting thoughts from my head
tapes played out from decades gone by
some even recordings from people who have since died

regardless of the source
they are a challenging habit to break
& i appreciate your patience especially
when my eyes widen & i want to run ‘n hide
out of fear of seeing my true self behind the lies

as i move into greater & greater acceptance of self
the more i can receive you into my life
may the dosage no longer be titrated down
as i take in more & more of the am that I am

another view: i am learning to open the floodgates
instead of close them the fvck down
& i pray you won’t drown (nor swim away)
knowing full well it is always your choice to untether
& i wouldn’t have it any other way

{image: pexels}

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